Last night in group, we spent some time talking about boundaries, and how these relate to burnout and compassion fatigue. One of the things that stood out was that boundaries are not simply about learning to say no.
The group described boundaries as:
We cannot control other people's behaviour. We can only manage our own behaviour and choose how we respond.
Why do boundaries matter?
Managing your energy is an important part of reducing the risk of burnout and compassion fatigue. Healthy boundaries can also support well-being, clarify your priorities, protect your emotional and physical resources, and help you build relationships that are more sustainable.
Boundaries also help us recognise when caring for others has shifted from healthy contribution to self-neglect.
This can be particularly important for those of us who are natural caregivers.
If you have spent years saying yes to people, it is easy to look back and feel guilty about the times you gave more than you had to give. But there is no need to attach guilt to those previous yeses.
You said yes because you wanted to contribute.
That is, fundamentally, a healthy quality.
Alfred Adler viewed contribution to others and participation in the community as an important part of psychological well-being. The goal, therefore, is not to stop contributing or to become less caring. The question is whether your contribution is putting you at a disadvantage.
There is a difference between contributing because you have something to give and contributing because you are running yourself into the ground.
It can be helpful to think of it as learning to pour from overflow rather than from deficit.
So, where do we start?
Learning to set boundaries does not have to begin with immediately saying no to everything.
It can begin with understanding what you are saying yes to.
Start by making a list of your personal values.
What is important to you?
Perhaps it is family, friendship, achievement, love, compassion, freedom, creativity, travel, stability, learning, community, or something completely different.
Whatever it is, it is your thing. Nobody else gets to decide that for you.
Once you have identified your values, you can begin asking yourself:
Does the way I spend my time, attention and energy reflect what I say is important to me?
And perhaps even more importantly:
Am I contributing from a place of capacity, or am I contributing from a place of depletion?
Boundaries are not about caring less. They are about learning how to care without continually abandoning yourself in the process.
What boundary can you commit to this week?